The Spiral Of Life and "Awakening"
It’s been a minute… and we can get into that later, but right now let’s just get into the juicy good stuff that i’ve been feeling into lately.
Throughout the journey of spiritual evolution, I think some of us (if not many) tend to get lost in the imaginary lines of the rules. There is this concept, this teaching, this idea, and then we have to find our purpose. It almost seems like what started as getting excited to see 222 and 444 or begun as law of attraction methods and meditation turns into this whole upheaval of who we are. We have to stop going out, throw that unawake friend out the window, stop consuming so much shit, go vegan, and be a “good” spiritual person in order to find our place amongst this ocean of life. We try to become a “better” human, and we might go through a “dark knight of the soul” where we face our shit… but let’s be real, that usually just is sprung upon us. But somewhere in it all, I think in ways we loose ourselves only to find ourselves again. That is where I’ve been at least.
It’s like we have no limits and everything is full speed ahead in our world and you have to hurry because if you do not, you’ll miss it. I have always been spiritual… because I’ve always housed a spirit. However, I’ve always been more aware, let’s say, than most. I have always had some weird deep philosophical magical part of my being that has waived and danced about no matter where I was in life. When I start to consciously move along this path, my intention was to just stop hating myself, to become happy with who I was. Well… that led to needing to maintain a certain diet, needing to be one of those topless, skinny, free living girls traveling the world you see on instagram (ok I know this isn’t everyone, but like who can relate?). It led to believing a narcissistic asshole was my twin flame as I wrapped myself in a blanket of spiritual illusions. I was convinced my purpose had to be “spiritual” in nature, and somehow I got sprung into this journey. While serving others, I struggled to fuel myself because I thought if I ate meat, if I ate something other than fruits and vegetables I wouldn’t be “connected”, it became about having the most heightened gifts, it became about being … well perfect. I was seeking, seeking, seeking, seeking, seeking and the seeking never stopped. I was so confused because I realized with my aching knees collapsed to the floor time and time again, that I was actually happier in moments where I wasn’t “this conscious”. I cut people off because they were not “in alignment” with me. I had a horrible relationship with my mother because she was a “energy vampire and so low vibe”. Most of all, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t happier. I didn’t watch TV at ALL because “eh low vibe”. I was closed to life and escaped to my little illusionary happy world of rainbows, angels, and light and love. I didn’t feel half my emotions because I had to “maintain a high vibe all the time”. I did multiple solo micro dose trips with mushrooms, trying to unlock the damn answers of life and the Universe only to end up.. eh… not, very functional or human, for months. (We’ll chat about that later hehe).
Now, I realize this is part of the process of the whole thing. You know? To escape the illusions at one level to then enter into the next level. Kinda like when you’re playing Call Of Duty (where my gamers at) where once you defeat the first level, you go to the next. Nothing in that next level really changes it’s just a different scenario or scenery, but the objective is the same. It’s like you can utilize the same tactic you did the first round that cost you 3 days of your life and 120 tries to beat the level, or you can try something new. Yet, hey you beat that level and you’re ego is feeling confident so you go with the same tactics again. There you are round 7 into the second round, and you start to feel like …. uh? Wait? Something isn’t right? My spiritual journey, has been evolutionary. I’ll say that. However, I think myself, like many today, went TOO FAR into it all that I lost the pure purpose of life itself. That’s where this leads us to the good part.
I think through shifting and sifting through all the exciting stuff about other planets, star seeds, and vibrational elements, crystals, concepts, and it all. Somewhere we get lost in the illusion that becoming spiritual is the purpose in it all. When in reality, we are already and always have been spiritual, and we’re actually learning to be HUMAN. We scoff a lot about being human while being in “4D/5D/Higher Consciousness” and really … call it whatever the fuck you want, but we’re all just here learning how to be human. We’re all equal. The planet likely isn’t going to transform into some hybrid higher planet. Our planet, unfortunately, likely won’t survive if we keep being distracted by all the bullshit of illusions. And that’s the point. Maybe this “spiritual awakening” we all want bragging rights to is really just meant to be a brief pit stop of recollection that hey, we have superpowers beyond this body through our conscious mind and we DO have some power to change this world, to save this world from the mindless destruction that we have created to it over time, because our disconnection to our self. Our ego instead fixates on spirituality as a means of control and getting what we want. It’s the process, the luring in of the conditioned ego into a higher realm. Where we feel like spiritual is meant to be practiced in order to control life itself. When in reality, life can’t be controlled. There’s always going to be an unknown. You can channel, you can tap into the higher dimensions, you can have all the psychic powers in the world, and yet… you will still be left in the unknown regarding the true validity of it all. There is so much that we do not know. That we will never know. Until we experience it. Spirituality cannot and is not meant to give us all the answers. It can’t tell us what to do, and it was never supposed to. The point of evolution, is freedom. That requires shedding the layers of “spirituality” and entering into a space of being; being alive, being human, being here, being now. Whatever that looks like right now. That requires us to shed the idea that we have to have some special purpose that involves all the seriousness, and where we realize that life is meant for us to experience it however we choose. You determine your purpose. Life is a blank canvas. You provide it purpose and you provide it meaning.
So as I’ve been unraveling over the past couple of years from the strict idealizations of what I THOUGHT spirituality was, I’m finding myself crawling back into spaces I’ve been before. A version of myself I’ve known before, but like … you know the 5.0 version! (ok ok maybe i’m biased, but like at least the 3.0 version). Life is like a spiral, you know? We spiral throughout the same situations in order to arrive only at the same place from a new perspective. In this process, I stopped going out, I stopped being social, I stopped going to raves (hi rave fam), I stopped buying clothes, I stopped buying makeup (I love me a little glam ok), I stopped eating foods I loved, I stopped being in this world. I stopped being ME. Everything that made me FUCKING ALIVE. But I also killed self hate, body dysmorphia, impatience, self-sabotage, indecisiveness, pretending to be someone I am not, a soul sucking 9-5 job, law school - __ -, codependency, anxious attachment, disassociation, drugs, alcohol, weed, terminal illness, heart break, hormonal issues, orthorexia, anxiety, depression, twin flame delusions, the need for anything or anyone outside of me, sexual trauma, trying to be someone else, giving a fuck, and so much more. I felt like I had to kill and let it ALL die. And maybe… just maybe that was the point. To let it all die to resurrect the good stuff again more pure. I’ve now stumble my way back into raves… and let me tell you sober raving, MY GOD. That is my heaven on Earth. I’ve been eating whatever the hell I want (ok not whatever because we I was unfortunately not successful at killing off the allergies), loving myself, LOVING my body for the first time EVER, embracing the different friends I have in my life some, casually dating, going out to bars and dancing in clubs, and having BOUNDARIES (my GOD that one was hard, because guess what… not everything is love and light, and you gotta say NO to some people, ALOT of people). I’ve felt FREEDOM. I don’t worry about anything even when I have NO CLUE what I’m doing (secret life hack loading…. no one knows, they just pretend to). I’ve stopped searching and started BEING. I started getting back into bodybuilding (that’s another story for another time, but teaser, yeah I used to be super into bodybuilding, but in a really distorted way). I cry when I need to cry and find some weird ecstasy in that, for feeling, for crying, for being able to do so. But I realize… THIS, THIS! THIS IS THE POINT, THIS IS THE PURPOSE, THIS IS TRUE “SPIRITUALITY” being my human self, soaking in pleasure, being weird as hell, doing whatever I want, feeling, being messy, being chaotic, and just flowing with life. Sure, there are things we can control. We control our perspective. We can control how we see things. We can control what we do here, who we are here. But life… she’s a tsunami wave that is going to be wild, massive, and free. She can’t be tamed. She never will be. The more you try to with spiritual concepts, and whatever the heck else it might be… the more her waves roar, rage, and thrash about. Life is going to be Life. She’s going to do her weird thing. So .. you know, that is permission to do yours.
It’s funny to be now. How so many of us along this journey get so captivated by higher spiritual beings from other planets. We wish we could go “home”, we “hate this planet”, we “are done with being human”, we don’t belong “in human form”. … the awakening we all need I think is to realize the MOST PRECIOUS gift in all the Universes is to be human. The greatest honor is to life this life and to do is being human. Joy, passion, bliss, pleasure …. that’s your purpose. Being whoever you want to be in this moment, that’s your awakening. This is all was for you… to play, to have fun. If you’re not… you’re missing the point. Love is the most fragile thing in the world right now, water it with all you’ve got. Allow yourself to unravel from all the should’s, anxiety, and wishes. BE PRESENT. You have the opportunity now, to embark on a journey with life. Wherever you are at, whatever time it is, and regardless of how “old” you are… life is waiting for you, to CHOOSE IT. Life is waiting to take those raging waters and pour them into you. Because you are a hurricane. You are not here to be controlled, to be tamed, to be depressed, to struggle, to worry, to be concerned about anyone else… but YOU. It get’s to be that easy. It get’s to be that simple.
So as we look around at our world kinda of going to shit, and some weird things happening … we have two options. We can sit in anxiety, fear, and turmoil, complaining. Or we can choose life, choose to love it. When we embrace the chaotic, messy, weird, strange, weird, things in life; we accept it in ourselves. That’s when we come HOME. Life is like quick sand slipping through your hands, and each little grain that falls through the spaces of your fingers is a moment. How are you going to spend that moment? This moment? And the next? What are you going to do FOR YOU, FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. Because it’s kind of time to say fuck it all, and just do what we love in order to find our joy, our passion, our pleasure again. To find that love again. To find ourselves again. When life becomes the gift itself, where you end up doesn’t really matter anymore. It’s the beauty of the journey itself that becomes the greatest fulfillment. It’s the uncontainable love that bursts from your chest for living life itself that is the awakening. Do you want to be on your death bed, wishing you lived your life? Wishing you spent less time worrying about the rhetorics of it all, worrying about what happens beyond this world? Probably not. I know most of us don’t. The purpose while you’re here, IS TO BE HERE! Those other mysterious answers … those come in the next journey beyond this life.
So I invite you.. to start living. HERE. NOW. While you have this time, this body, and this life.
Thank you for taking part of your life to connect with me, my words, and my energy.