I’ve been behind the scenes doing something pretty intensive work with myself again. That mirrors so strongly the work that led me here and ultimately helped me heal my body miraculously. (If you are new here, see the very first blog to get caught up)
However, I realize now, that was only a piece to the puzzle of reclaiming my body and my power.
It was another one of those moments in your soul blueprint, where AGAIN the light gets turned on and it helps you see everything you forgot about. I realized that I truly have not had a libido or much of a sexual urge in over a year. I had been passing this off by not being attracted to anyone around me, or not having sexual engagement, or being sexually intimate. However, the Universe and guides quickly clued me in to see the truth. The truth that this disconnect and disassociation came from a deeper place within me. That I had become disconnected from my sexuality because I learned it wasn’t needed when it wasn’t called upon and when there was not another person outside of me to determine when it was of use. I realized that I had disconnected from my body as a means of dealing with trauma and as a means of not wanting to confront the stories and conditioning that I had held here.
It then manifested as a creative block. I have danced my whole life. All of a sudden, I stopped. I have written my whole life and loved expressing myself through this outlet, and then I felt like I was not even able to write, and feel connected to my creative writing process. I then even saw this pattern showing up in my social media space as it became somewhere where I would share what was in alignment with how I served and not with what I truly wanted to create and share. I shared what was expected of me. I realized that years of body dysmorphia manifested as a result of disconnecting from my body and my sexual energy. I realized that perfectionism became a source for me to channel all the suppression and in a way that I would never live up to, feeding the wound around my sexuality further. I began to outline every little trigger I still had to see that they traced back to my connection with my body and sexuality.
I had just grazed the surface of healing this part of myself. I had forgiven all the intimate partners I had been with for there actions. I had been working on no longer having a trigger, or PTSD around being touched in certain ways and places (even none sexual) that mirrored the actions of past abusive partners. Yet, I missed the biggest step of all. I forgot to forgive myself, I forgot to apologize to my body, I forgot to allow my body to release all the energies stored in my womb that would ultimately lead to haunting me now years later. I forgot to actually give MYSELF some space to grieve, to cry, to mourn, to feel anger, rage, sadness, devastation, and all that comes from the big realizations that you so quickly brush off when you’re young.
I started to really allow myself to feel into my relationship to sexual energy. I went all the way back to when I was a child. I was very in tune and in touch with my body without anyone telling me what was what, showing me, walking in on my parents, or something crazy! None of that was needed. Safe to say my soul said “oh yup, i’ve been here before and if you touch this right there that brings you great pleasure”. Of course I hadn’t yet formed any idea around what this was called, or what exactly it was, but I was in tune with it. However, when I was discovered self-pleasuring myself at such a young age, I was scolded and questioned endlessly. It was shamed. I remember being two-years-old and having some sort of strange “intervention” to uncover if sexual abuse was to cause for my advanced awareness of pleasure. Many around me thought there had to be some traumatic cause for me self-pleasuring myself and knowing how to do so at such a young age. I was told it was not okay and was ultimately shamed horrifically. Yet, I didn’t stop. I just learned to hid, to be quiet, and to hurry. I remember crawling into closets and under beds to experience this pleasure and was so so confused at a young age why this was “bad”. No one would dare explain it to a 2-year-old let alone a 5-year-old. So I continued finding pleasure quickly, in a hidden space, and quietly. I learned to control my body during these oncomings of sexual bursts and learned to control the way my body reacted to pleasure.
In my adult years I had apprehension about intimately expressing my sexuality with a partner. I didn’t want there to be pressure and I didn’t want there to be a confinement for that space. I carefully choose my first experience and partner making sure there was no relationship attached, but yet had a safe container to explore. It was easy, there was no pressure, no condemning, and nothing at risk if it didn’t go well. I had control of the experience because I picked the person and so forth. Yet, little did I know that is where my relationship to sexual energy took on a huge twist due to the result of the shame I received as a child. Control. You see, I learned to control, to confine, to be quiet, to control my body during this time of intimate pleasure as a means of hurrying, not being heard, and not being seen. Here, in this first experience, I was again controlling the situation, controlling my body. Was it painful? No. Was it absolutely mind-blowing? No. Did I really feel anything, no. It was an action that really didn’t connect with my body any longer due to the need to move through it as quickly as possible. To hurry and rush and get to a climax and then be as quiet and controlled about it as possible. I couldn’t let my body get too out of control, I couldn’t let the energy expand and shake through me, I couldn’t let it echo through my voice. I had to be quiet. Yes, parents were upstairs, yes I was a teenager, yes I believe I even snuck in so had to “hide”. Just replicating and attracting my learned experience to my sexuality all over again.
This energy of control continued. The patterns continued and amplified. I learned that sex was something that was okay whenever it was called on. Whenever someone gave me permission, it was okay to engage. It was needed when someone else wanted it, and I fell into a pattern of control at a even deeper level. I ended up in a sexually toxic pattern with an individual out of the need to feel wanted. I realized when in a distorted relationship to my sexual energy, I didn’t feel wanted or worthy. If I didn’t receive someone interested in having sex with me or interested in me romantically, I felt disconnected, unwanted, and unworthy. So I learned, in order to feel wanted, I’ll go to where I’m called. The pattern that unraveled with this individual became something that made me feel wanted. It was toxic, and when leaving a friends house or a party, if he called, I’d immediately go. It was just sex. Yet, it was so much more than that for me. It was a outlet to feel I was needed and worthy, that I was wanted. But, it wasn’t me that was actually wanted. It was just my body. Just using a body to fill a mirroring void. We triggered each other in a contagious cycle, calling on one another to show up whenever we needed to numb the gaping wounds within us. It started as what most would consider just “hooking up”, but then boundaries were crossed. It became a space I went to punish myself, and where he became the punisher. It became a space where I allowed him to do whatever he wanted to my body as a means of pleasing him and punishing myself for being so “unworthy”. It became a space where I was sexually assaulted, gritting my teeth and holding back tears as my hair was ripped violently out of my head and he forcefully entered me. The days after waking to see the bruises pressed into my skin like the marks of a sinner who deserved to be condemned.
My relationship with my mother has been the biggest test of my entire life. When things were not good in her life, it was as if she poured all the blame on to me. I carried the weight of her world on my shoulders, and felt that I was responsible for whatever unhappiness she was feeling. This led to a toxic cycle and dynamic with her growing up, that caused malicious arguments and manipulative tendencies that left me truly believing that I was to blame for everything that did not go right within our household. It left me rushing to find a source to punish myself, to take away the heaviness, to numb myself up so I didn’t have to feel her pain, and the distorted illusions that I was to blame for all the unhappiness within my home.
Some people run to cutting as a means of self-harm. However, this was my self-harm. This toxic sexual pattern, this cycle, this relationship if you can even call it such became my self-harm. When things went wrong at home and when I felt I wasn’t good enough, that’s where I’d go in the late hours of the night or during daylight when no one else was home. I’d go to meet this punishment, putting myself in unsafe hands and in a unsafe environment as a means of “getting what I deserved” and as a means of coping. This continued for years intermittently. I’d leave crying in tears and then be yelled at told to get the fuck out because I was emotional.
I was bent over coffee tables, in showers, and in cars whenever it was wanted. I was just there to give. Did it appear that I was having a good time? No, it was pretty obvious I wasn’t. Yet, I was perfect prey for the abuse that I accepted. Until one day,
he came over when no one was home. He tried forcing himself onto me. My flight or fight kicked in and I kept struggling to pull him off me. I said NO, for the first time. Yet, it wasn’t heard and it wasn’t enough. I said LEAVE. Still, wasn’t enough. Finally, he caught a glimpse of my neighbors cop car out the window and that was enough to drive him out the door. Reality began to sink in that I wasn’t just allowing this anymore, that it was on the verge of rape. I than began to withhold sex as a control mechanism, yet still saw this person from time to time for years after this event… whenever my body was wanted.
I realized in all sexual experiences minus one or two that at this point sex became a way to detached from my body and transcend the pain of the present moment. That experience made me feel as though sex was something that was obligated of me in order to continue a relationship. It again became a means of control. In which, they would dangle over my head as a means of whether they would stay or not, or I would retract sex as a means of maintaining the control of the relationship. I never truly felt anything during the act itself except the pressure of expectation. Detaching from my body once again so I didn’t have to feel the intrusion this really was. There were times, when I had been drinking too drunk to even consent, where I was even asked “are you okay” where they then just proceeded to enter me. Even recognizing I wasn’t able to properly consent. I’d be left on the floor after nauseous and in a transcended space. I’d retreat to the bathroom, locking the door, to go puke and cry over the toilet until the next morning.
I retraced my experiences more, and remembered talking to a guy once and creating an actual relationship, we were friends yet some other attraction was taking place. We went to concerts, shows, and of course partied together. There were nights where I’d drink as a means of escaping. I’d drink way too much, and I’d be offered his bed to pass out in. I was coherent but not totally. I’d fall asleep, and then wake up in the middle of the darkness to someone scooting me over in the bed and proceeding to have sex with me, without taking a second to take into consideration the scenario. Maybe I wasn’t able to actually consent to this. I was coherent enough to know what was happening, yet I said nothing. I said absolutely nothing, because I was scared. I was petrified what would happen if I actually said no. I thought being passed out in a bed after drinking too much, or not looking okay, etc. was enough. I thought that was enough for someone else to realize I didn’t want to have sex in those times. The thing is I remember only the moment the act was engaged, and not a minute after. I started fully detaching from my body and blacking out during sexual experiences fully. I remember turning to drugs and drinking at this point to enhance the disconnection even further. Yet, I was also fully aware of what was happening and I allowed it.
That’s the biggest block that was still haunting me in the depth of my subconscious. That I allowed all of this. I blamed myself for putting myself in those situations, yet forgave all the people involved because I could so clearly see how their own wounds led them to treating me the way they did.
It wasn’t all unwanted and disconnected though. As all my sexual experiences played out before me like a movie at 3AM as I lay awake in my bed, I remembered one situation where it was different. I remembered having sexual chemistry with someone for a while. Yet, we never acted on it. He had vocalized it without shame a few times but never really aligned. Until, one night I was at a party and happened to end up in the entryway he was walking through, we looked at each other and it was kinda this unspoken understanding what would happen next. We moved into a separate room away from other people and I remember him ASKING for my permission in a round about way. I vocally agreed. We didn’t have sex but we were definitely intimate. We proceeded hooking up, and I remember him being so vocal about the pleasure he was experiencing. I remember him being so open about how he was feeling, and allowing his body to expand in that space. I remember in that moment, he was guiding me to accept pleasure as well. Just as I started to mentally allow myself to be present in my body, to allow myself to feel pleasure, and to be safe in this space to express myself, three or four people walked in on us. They made commentary about ME immediately. I don’t remember the rest of the experience because I totally disassociated from my body. I later found out this person was in a committed relationship. He was not shamed, he was not teased, he was not harassed, he was not embarrassed, he was not guilty, and he was not ridiculed. I was. I remember not being able to walk around the party the rest of that night without being called a slut. The next few weeks after that’s all I was called. I was driving around somewhere random in public with a friend and someone yelled out the window “SLUT!!”. Again, I learned my sexuality was bad. I learned I wasn’t allowed to experience pleasure. Again, the cycle continued. Yet, here this guy was; walking around free, still in his relationship, and getting applauded.
It was here that I realized my story was part of a bigger story. It was here that I began to piece together my experiences and see that this was a bigger collective imbalance. The long standing issues of feminine power being suppressed into a overly masculine world. It can even be traced back to the biblical beginning of time. You might know this story: there was a man, named Adam and a woman. The first created of their kind. The woman however, would not let the man mount her, she would not let herself be under anyone, she would not let herself be controlled by anyone. Her name came to be known as Lillith, or Lady Ishtar. She was said to be banished to hell for her ridicule of Adam and her failure to be an exemplary woman. In her place, Adam was told to create Eve out of his very rib, so that way she was obedient to him, he owned her because he created her. Lillith was never a “hell whore”, she was a woman on fire who was here to give rise to the equality of all woman in this world. She was the leader of embracing the wild feminine into the pleasure filled seas of sensuality. She is an unstoppable force still present today within ALL of us. She shows us that the feminine energies were never weak and were never meant to be controlled. They were never meant to be mounted and owned like a donkey, they were meant to be heard, seen, and wildly echo into the abyss of the world.
However, you can see the structure of this distorted dynamic coming into the history of society. Woman were kept in order, cleaned the house, had the kids, took care of the cooking, etc. They were under the control of the “head of house”, the man. Yet, when one stepped out of line, they were hung, they were persecuted, they were raped and tortured, they were harassed with horrid names, they were beat, and they were killed. Time and time again. The defeat of the physical feminine isn’t just about woman in form, but the woman within ALL of us.
The suppression of the feminine energies in our world have led to so much disconnection within the external structures, sure, but also in our individual internal worlds. You see, I recognized even with the males in my situations there was a disconnection from true sex and pleasure. There was a release and relief that came from numbing themselves with sex. There was a disconnection not from their bodies like with me, but from their soul, from their emotions. We have become a society that has used sex in one way or another to turn off and detached from parts of our being. It has become a means of coping, numbing, and abusing the emotional spectrum of what we are feeling. This is about living in a society where many people do not feel they have a space to express their emotions, to deal with their emotions, and to feel. Thus, we channel them into an act that simply just becomes an act of control and release.
At the deeper core of this, the frustration, the loneliness, the heartache, the anger, the rage, the disconnection, all of it comes from this idea that we have been told that pleasure comes with a cost and a price to pay. We have been robbed, cheated, and stripped of the very thing we deserve most, pleasure. We have been conditioned to see that pleasure comes after great pain, so we continue, even when it hurts, even when it makes us feel worse, we continue, programmed to believe this is “normal”. Our bodies take the back seat, our emotions take the trunk, and we pack everything up to charge ahead with the action without feeling into it at all, without giving ourselves permission to tune into the awareness of our emotions, without truly connecting to ourselves. All at the cost of pleasure.
Pleasure is something that society tells us we have to work for, something that we must earn, when in reality this is the biggest wound of the collective. This idea that in order to enjoy and have satisfaction within ourselves and lives we have to do something in exchange for such. This idea that pleasure is conditional, as if we don’t have a natural birth right to experience it. When we steer away from more enjoyable states, instead of sitting in them and connecting with them too, we are taught to keep running, keep chasing, and keep working until we reach the next state of success, which is apparently automatically supposed to make us happy, pleasure filled, and joyous. Yet, so many reach these places they have dreamed of; they have the money, the cars, the fame, the house, the relationship, and yet they are still running, still chasing, still avoiding everything that arises as a means of chasing the next big thing that has been told will finally bring them pleasure. When the true pleasure we have been so desperately longing for, is the one that comes within us, that is equipped within the full spectrum of our bodies, and that comes from true connection to such and Source. We’ve all been looking for a hall pass to experience true transcendental bliss through the experience of erotic pleasure, and been programmed to feel guilt or shame if we are not exchanging something for such. This works both ways with the masculine and feminine energies in the realm of sex, yes, but extending into everything we do. If you aren’t able to allow yourself to receive in the bedroom and are having issues speaking up with intimate partners, most likely this is trickling over into every avenue of your life. If you are disconnecting from the emotional act of sex and not tuning in to your intuition during intimacy, bypassing the connection of such altogether just to complete a physical act, you’re running around life doing the same. Different sides of the coin, but still the same coin.
Why? Why is it such a crime to be able to experience pleasure and be okay with not exchanging anything in return, or feeling as if we have to earn it? Why have we be told that there is a price to pay for true intimacy in life, whether it be with another person, or with life itself? Because that takes trusting that there is something beyond just the world we see.
We came here to have a pleasure filled experience through the five basic senses of the human body that engorge us into states of high flying bliss without ANY conditions or apologizes, yet we so strongly as a collective struggling with slowing down and tuning into the desires of our basic five sense enough to even begin living. Why do we have to hide, to be quiet, and hurry the moments where we experience pleasure? Why do we have to feel uncomfortable in those places of true euphoria? We walk around talking about the standards, rules, regulations, and how to many money yet we can’t talk about pleasure in a open way without someone making crude commentary or harassing us for being “inappropriate” or overly sexualized. You see, the feminine energy is what allows us to be sensual to experience receiving without doing, and experiencing our senses without needing to feel shame. It’s what allows us to connect heart to heart, soul to soul, body to body to experience a transcendental experience of love that takes us to euphoric states of pleasure most of us have yet to truly experience. It’s bigger than even this though.
Sex is the most powerful tool of awakening their is on this planet. It’s the only act and practice that allows one the potential to reach spiritual heights and connectivity while activating and engaging the body. Most practices like meditation, hypnosis, channeling, and even things like breath work focus on only one aspect (with some having side effects that impact the others); either the spiritual body, the mental body, or the physical body. However, NONE of this are directly activating all three. Yet, sex, sex is a powerful tool that incorporates all of them that allows all to be united, and allows earth and ether to meet through our very vessels. It is something that has a potency to create new worlds through the very heightened expression of our pleasure and ecstatic states. This is the highest frequency that truly exists while remaining in a body. Yet, SO MANY of us, have yet to reach that place, have yet to allow ourselves permission to integrate this sacred ritualistic medicine out of guilt, shame, disassociation, trauma, numbing, and disconnection. Sex is the physical act of the union of the masculine energies uniting with the feminine, regardless of the biological genders performing the act. When we allow ourselves to experience pleasure and this states without guilt, shame, and repression; we are activating the divinity within our own hearts so that we may be this walking vessel of united worlds within. This is why there is so much trauma around sex in our world today. Both males and females have experienced a rapid and alarming rate of disconnection to the actual ritualistic experience of sex, and it takes walking through a land mine, like i’ve expressed in my own story, as a means of finally getting to have this awakening of freedom within the space that we experience pleasure.
Your relationship to sex is the MOST important relationship there is. Yet, it is the MOST heavily conditioned. Your relationship to sex determines your relationship to everything else, including money, your self, your work, your life. If you believe you are not worthy of this sacredness, this high flying bliss blasting truth that lives within your body, you’re never going to believe your’e worthy of anything else. This is a long standing karmic pattern that you see goes back decades upon decades upon decades. Now, as we shift this world and this planet, we have to free the divine feminine energies in order to heal; when we heal, we heal the gateway that is our body. When we do this “work” so many refer to, when we dive into the shadows we are able to give ourselves permission to experience what is needed to tap into pleasure without conditions. The woman has carried this trauma within her womb for lifetimes and lifetimes and lifetimes. Now, it ends here. It ends with me. So what are you going to do? Are you going to keep numbing yourself to the pleasure that’s wanting to be unleashed wildly within you? Are you going to continue to hold back and ignore the intuitive knowing and emotions that are streaming through you? Are you going to keep pushing ahead, taking action, no matter what you feel? Are you going to continue to be silent, do as your told, and suppressed your own desires? Are you going to continue the distortion? Or are you going to be a Lillith, and let yourself be scolded, condemned, hated, and hell driven by others to experience the wild box of pandora’s pleasure filling you with this the richness of life? Are you going to finally, allow yourself access to the magic that had laid dormant within you? It’s a choice. For many, it isn’t easy, as you see my path, yet I KNOW when I am choosing this for myself, i’m healing this karmic pattern for my entire ancestral lineage and i’m giving the future the freedom to experience pleasure without having to first walk through the mud. What do you choose?