Updated: Dec 6, 2020
I never really know why i’m called to go where I’m called and sometimes it seems to make no sense at all. I’ve learned not to overthink and ask questions but to really just follow the intuitive guidance and synchronicities that tug and pull at me telling me which way to go. I recently found myself back in my hometown - that for some reason never seems to give me the grounding I need. I always seem to fly off into some uncomfortable space where time and space cease. It’s somewhere that reminds me of the in-between. Ya know, the place between life on Earth and the Astral Plane. It never seems like my time here is real - it feels lucid, and uncomfortable like i’m in a body while my soul has already ascended. It always feels like i’m stuck there for lifetimes while at the same time like i’ve only been there a day- time seems to stop and life seems to enter into a repetitive cycle of the same serene sunsets and ocean waves that sparkle into glittered holographic rainbows reflecting on the wet sand.
It’s a place I seem to always come back to while I’m in the middle of a big transition in my internal and external life. It is a reflective place that allows me to integrate new energies (or blasts of energies that leave me in a ungrounded parallel universe hardly able to function “normally” haha). Truly, despite the uncomfortable sensations and experiences I have in this region, moreso than anything is helps me reflect on how far i’ve come, how i’ve evolved, and how i’ve grown. It allows me to remember the little girl who would go hunting for starfish and eat cookie dough ice cream from the little small local shop, who danced into oblivion in her living room with no clothes on, but also the little girl who was also brutally bullied, the little girl who was wrapped in chaos and clusters of toxic behaviors and environments, the little girl who witnessed a lot. It’s a space my inner child is able to release her wounds still bleeding into the ocean to let them be washed clean. It’s a space where i’m able to observe the direct conditioning I faced while evolving into this woman I AM. It’s a space filled with the echos of my past that allow me to further heal and further realign to the core of who I am evolving into. It’s a space that allows me to come full circle in knowing I am here breathing after all i’ve been through. It reminds me of the strength within my heart, the strength within me to keep going, it reminds me of my why for existing and being alive.
I had set the intention of opening my heart more at the end of October. Not that I wasn’t connected to it, because truthfully I wouldn’t be able to do the work I do if I wasn’t and I wouldn’t be able to tune in to my intuition if it were not for the connect to my heart. However, something in my soul nudged me and said this needed to be my primary intention for this time, and really for the rest of this year; to come back fully into love without barriers, fear, and blockages. I know just as well as so many, when you set a firm intention; the Universe has a miraculous way of giving you exactly that.
As I arrived in my hometown at first I felt a surge of energy within me - a power that i’ve never felt before- synchronistic connection to this place and space and a playful laughter within me that echoed in my heart as I ran down the beach to immerse myself, more like baptize myself, in the cool waters fresh off a flight where I felt more pain and suffocation than anything. The next day I seemed to gradually dip into the transcendent uncomfortability of transcending my body for a higher mission and retrieval. Here I was for the first time in 16 years during a holiday. I spent the day moving through physical symptoms and shifts whilst trying to prepare the Thanksgiving dinner for my family. As we sat around the table, I realized something- that was so apparent to me that it couldn’t be ignored. I looked around and saw my 87-year-old grandmother at the end of the table, my cousin’s boyfriend that i’d never met, my uncles boyfriend from another country who didn’t quite understand the concept, one cousin who arrived too stoned to function, while the other shot tequila, and I sat there pausing this moment. I realized on the surface it was amazing that we were all here gathering together at one table. However, by the end of the night the depths of my heart began to wave within me seeking the deeper reality beyond the illusionary surface. I felt the pain of all those sitting around me, the frustration they felt with their parents, with their son, with themselves, I felt the longing for closeness, the internal cries to be seen, heard, and accepted, and the loud screams of every heart hungry for love.
The next few days I spent digging into my stomach asking myself why I felt so depleted and empty. I realized that I was missing true connection to family; true love. I asked myself why I felt so invisible in a room full of people. Why we all felt so invisible sitting around a table together. I asked myself why I felt like I had been backed into a corner and suffocated by the experienced. I observed my behavior realizing it was hard for me to even engage and speak during this setting. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Yes, the typical triggers of family rose the surface and as they brushed gently across my awareness, I kept asking why? Why are they so cold? Why are they so insensitive? Why do they seem to struggle so much? So I continued to set the intention to delve further in. I asked myself, what would have changed this experience? What would have made it more connective, more fulfilling? What was I truly expecting? Where did those expectations fall short? What of those expectations are an ideal and what are NEEDS? Then I stopped. Needs. What did we need at that table that would have changed it all? What did I NEED. I realized after spending the whole time up until this point focusing on the needs of others, of cooking, of showing up, of listening, and of being, or significantly trying as I swung in and out of the psychedelic affects that these upgrades have on me, present for others; I never realized I needed to think of MY OWN NEEDS. As I sat in awe of the fact I didn’t even consider my own needs for this space, for this time, for this moment, I began to see how my inability to know my own needs caused me to not be able to ask for them.
The next day, I sat in silence on the beach after plunging into water most would consider too cold. I sat there sitting in the intention of digging into my deepest need. The thing i’ve never been able to ask for. The needs that i’ve struggled with vocalizing to others around. The needs that were hard to admit. As this space always allows me, I traced back in my minds eye the moments as a child where I’d give and give and give and I’d get upset when I didn’t receive what I needed back. I didn’t learn to ask for my needs or vocalize them to others because well, I learned they were not a priority. I realized that love, true unconditional, admiring, affectionate, playful, silly, forgiving, never ending love was something that was never met for me. I realized that true unconditional love and my emotional needs were never a priority because things like work, following rules, not making a mess, materials, etc. came as a bigger priority. As I listened to the waves crash against the rocks and felt the wind grow stronger, I saw the vision so clearly as if it were a movie- recapturing my youth. As I watched, I saw that love for me was something that came and went- it was flexible, it wasn’t trustworthy, it was fleeting, it was sporadic, it was inconsistent, it was painful, it was hurt, and convenient. I looked at this connection and realized it was the foundational flaw underlying my entire family.
I realized while visions spewed before me in clips, that I learned to need people in a anxious way hoping they’d always show up for me, as long as I kept giving and showing up for them. I didn’t feel good enough without conditions for others to come in and love me. I learned that if I kept giving and giving people would continue to show up. I prayed that if I showed up for others continuously, they would show up for me. I learned that love was something that was limited to time and space and location and work and was conditional. As I sat listening to the white noise of rolling waves, I realized what I truly need now the most and what I have never asked for, is true authentic love. I needed someone to show up for me. I needed someone to ask me how I was genuinely. I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and console the breaking heart within me. I needed to receive. I needed unconditional love. I sat there as tears blended into the salty waves, realizing that somehow in my 28 years of living on this planet, I’d never felt truly unconditionally loved and I never knew how to ask for that. Healing and self-love became a defiance that needing someone else, needing anything or anyone outside of me, was flawed. I learned throughout childhood that I had to wait around for love, for people to show up, and for love to be earned through how much I had. I never felt that my pure need of nurturing, caring, slow, compassionate, unconditional love was ever properly able to be expressed to me.
As I continued to be loved by the waves washing up in between my toes I asked myself when the last time was that I felt this love? had I ever felt this love? and as I again trace my memories for a single moment I realized each time I have felt true love, it didn’t come from another person it came from an experience I had with nature, with spirit, with animals, but only once with another person. So I retraced my steps. Where did this come from, when did this start, and how do I reach the Source of it to shift it? I pulled the movie of my life back into my minds eye, I see my childhood and see the relationship with my parents. The first connections we have in life is with our caretakers, our parents, our family. So I began to examine and contemplate the experience I had with love in relation to my parents. Something I had already done so many times. Yet, this time I saw it differently. I saw the broken relationships frayed and disconnected by an illusionary ideal that love wasn’t safe, that it ended in hurt, pain, arguments, and didn’t care for anyone because it didn’t pay the bills. I learned that love was messy, gross, cost worthy, and put you in a position to be used up, taken advantage of, and it was something not to trust. I saw the chaos and the fighting and disharmony and the corruption of love. I saw and understand the wounds and the pain that caused the illusions that suffocated love out of my experience as a child with the relationships between my parents. I also see where they tried, where they tried so hard to show up, to provide that love, where they wanted to so badly to give me this unconditional love. I see in moments where it peaked through the illusions shining like the Sun. I know how the steps they took were sacrifices they made out of the love they learned. However, I also see that they could not fully unconditionally love me because they never learned that themselves. The cyclic pattern of life continuing into a interwoven web of karmic bruises and bleeding wounds that kept us all hands tied in fear and pain. I looked down the lines of my parents, seeing how desperate they were for someone to accept them for who they truly were, someone to show up for them, to love them, and more just as much as my heart ached for.
We’re so quick to sit and blame our conditioning and our upbringing on our parents. However, the thing is; there is no one to blame. The thing is, you can always go deeper than just reparenting yourself. There is always more to be unearthed and explored.
So as I gently moved beyond the already known relationship with my biological parents; I welcomed a deeper look into THEIR upbringing. Particularly, my mother who was my primary parent. I had been staying with my 87 year old grandma, my mothers mom, and I left the beach that day to go dive into a new layer of understanding and healing. I began to see all the triggers that came from my grandma, being the Source of the same lack of love. I sat there at the kitchen table I grew up at, detailing my grandma’s memories of her upbringing, of her ideal of love, and her parents. I sat there glimpsing into the past as she relived her memories, my heart seeming to ache deeper and deeper as if it was cracking into a million pieces. I saw the cycle spinning clear as day throughout the timelines and ancestral blood line of my own family. That love was this afterthought, it was a silly thing to believe in, a source of pain, lack, abuse, and abandonment. Love seemed to be even deeper this thing that was within a certain standard of career, study, physical shape, appearance, and more. Marriage seemed to be a financial agreement more than a mergence between two hearts. As I lay in bed that night spinning into a holographic reality my mind retraced all that it had been contemplating here. My heart bust at the seems and remnants of past walls broke down completely. My heart ached, it burned, it cried, it mourned for the fact that no one - not one person in my family has known true unconditional love. The patterns, cycles, and ancestral lineage of illusions circled in my sacral chakra as I was asked to birth a new paradigm not only for my family but the world. I fell asleep crying, crying for myself, crying for the little girl inside me, crying for my mom, crying for my distant dad, for my deceased grandpa, for my grandma, for my cousins, for my entire family decades and decades back into existence, and ultimately then crying for the entirety of this planet.
The next day I flung out the door in a soft eagerness to meet the sea once again. She seems to have this way of unraveling the heart and clearing this space, so that we can see truth and clarity rise through. As I walked into the water feeling the sting of the cool waters sending shocks up my spine, I began to feel my heart unravel into a million pieces. As the ocean and I became one, the salty water dripping from my eyes like rain drops into the salty waves, I felt a bigger realization run through my veins and awaken into my heart again. Electrified by the cool baptism of the sea, I felt love full force pouring back through my veins, clearing out all the stagnated disconnection, and revealing the overly compassionate, sensitive, and emotional being I truly am. The pure essence of life and form itself is centralized around love, yet; I began to awaken to the stronger issue in this world. That this didn’t just pertain to me, or to my family, but to so many others in this world, if not the whole world. The idea that love can be shoved into a box and labeled, that love can be specified, that love is something most today do not truly know nor know how to ask for.
The idea that this entire planet most likely has been operating from a standpoint of learned conditional love stung me sharper than a jelly fish. I saw that in my healing, I healed my entire family. I then began to contemplate, “I wonder how many people never received true unconditional love and affection and learned this to be true- the only truth. I wonder how many people are left with this idea that love is fleeting, conditional, and something to resist out of fear, or to anxiously attach to out of fear” I sat there more stunned by this realization than the cold flow of the waves. Could it be? A world where the majority of us living today never have experienced or learned the true essence of love? Is it possible that all the generations of our recent ancestors suffered the same? My heart opened more, leaking a ocean all my own onto the sandy essence my cheeks. I felt the weight of the world unraveling in my heart and the cooling sensation of healing spreading like hypothermia throughout my body.
At the beginning of my conscious spiritual journey, I felt true unconditional love rising within my heart. I felt the unconditional bliss and healing that stemmed from the expression of such a universal level of being. Yet, even in that space and even continuing on this journey; I let old conditions creep throughout the world’s influence, I let the idea that I needed to protect myself come back within. I let the idea that an open heart was too sensitive for the world we’ve lived in. How do I stop the pain? How do I stop feeling it all? How do I “protect” myself. How can I run a business if I’m so open in love? How do I establish boundaries and remain in love? Somehow in the mix of all the emotions and questions, I found myself living half hearted. Opened in some spaces and sectors yet still walled off from the complete essence of love itself and allowing myself to feel that within me, to asking for that, to being open to receiving that, to embodying it fully.
I realized that the reason why it is so hard to remain in this state isn’t a fault of mine, but the conditions around which have cycled throughout generations. I see so clearly now we have all been programmed to believe that love comes with predisposed notions, criteria, and circumstances, that it has to be within a conditional space, time, and schedule. I realized that this was my opportunity to open up more, to not worry about me sharing something that is on “schedule” or “theme” with what i’ve always done, or for what receives the most “views”, “attention”, “likes”, “interests” etc. etc. etc. I realized that me operating half hearted only allowed me to connect with so many people and in so many ways, that this predisposed idea around love led me to suppressing the creator within me who longs to write, just to write, who shares just to share the flow of what streams through me, that emotions were my enemy, and that feeling requires an off button. This was the wake up call for me to really open up myself and share this experience, whether i’m the only person who reads it or not. Whether I’m the only person who acknowledges the magnitude of this journey or not. I always seem to be brought back to love always on this journey. My mission will always be love. It’s something that I have needed, craved, longed for, studied, searched for, looked for, meditate on, researched for decades and lifetimes, something I have learned all about in this now and in the future, in the past, and in this ever fleeting moment. Love truly is the answer to this transition and shift. We have to heal ourselves, each other, our families, our communities, our countries, and our globe. We are all connected, we all have the same scars, the same wounds, the same aching need within us to be unconditionally seen, heard, and loved.
We have to unlearn what love is in order to experience the true essence and purity of what love truly is. We have to unlearn everything we have been told in order to arrive into the truth of what we are, love. We have to untangle the threads that have connected us to all generations in this flawed perception of love, to rewire them in an authentic expression of true unwavering love. This is where change happens. The true essence of love has become a distant ship that has been left at sea to long and sunken to the depths of the ocean. We need to uncover it, we need to let it rise again into the glory of our understanding and embodiment. Love is the product of who we are and who we have come to be. Love is the most powerful force in this entire universe, and in the entirety of existence itself. True love. Unconditional love.
So as many gather during this holiday season, I ask you to look around you at those relatives you complain about, at yourself, inside of your being. I asked you to see your family in grace, to know their flaws are their wounds that stem from the same one within you. They are direct insight to the healing work you’re being asked to complete at this time. Even if you have a “perfect” family, there is healing to be done. Look closer, feel beyond the illusions of the physical, and don’t blame. I ask you to examine your partnerships and the attachment and relationship to your partner, to your friends, to your family. I ask you to question your needs. What do you really need? Where does that need come from? I bet you every answer stems back to love itself, for it is everything. Ask yourself how the triggering behaviors of others demonstrate their learned conditions around love. I beg and plead you to make your focus and mission at this time love. “what about money?” “what about my work?” “what about the guy I was talking to a week ago is he going to stay, is that love? is he the one?” “what about my success and future?” “what about my business?” “what if I get hurt?” “what if thats too scary?” “what if I don’t know what to say?” Whatever it is that comes in response to this as an excuse is a direct understanding of where you begin healing. At the true core of life, when you are tuning into love and making love your mission - all else flows from it. There is no lack when you are love. There is no hurt when you stand in true love. There is nothing else that is more important, when you experience the divine essence and power of love.
At the source of all suffering is the lack of love. Look around you. Every human is suffering on this planet at this time in some way, shape, and form. We are all imperfect, we are all in need of healing, and what we are all needing now more than ever yet seem to be so scared of more than ever, is love. True, unconditional, affectionate, present, acknowledging, whole, love.
So here I am. Extending these words to you, recapturing this evolutionary experience of mine- to you; as your evolutionary experience. In love.