The Counterintuitive Nature of Becoming Whole

About a month ago I decided to go ahead and book a trip to my favorite place in the mountains for my birthday. There was no intuitive hit, it was me kind of just searching for a way to honor myself…. as most of my birthday’s have been a huge death, where you can often find me bawling my eyes out with no known cause in bed. I told myself if the place I normally stay at is open, I’d go.

I found myself torn on how long I should stay, if I should go… what I should do. It felt like intuitively it didn’t feel aligned, there was no real push or call, yet something automative within me said just go. I went ahead and booked the trip for a longer period of time, knowing I always hate leaving. Then as the time came to leave, I found myself less and less excited about it. This was totally out of the norm for me. I was usually jumping with joy to escape to the mountains. Yet, something in me just was not enthralled. I called this place my soul home, every time I had visited in the past I never wanted to leave. Yet, here I was dreading it, LOATHING it. Something was off about this, not aligned. But I dragged my feet and went anyways.

There was no blissful breakthrough upon my arrival, there was no excitement beating in my chest, there was no sigh of relief, and there was no wondrous joy beaming through my heart. I excused it by saying maybe all the traveling just made me tired. The next day went by and I was happy, positive, upbeat, and had loads of energy. I went for a hike in the mountains with my dog, it was beautiful as it always is being alone in nature in this place is pretty rare with how overpopulated it has become, so the opportunity to have my secret hidden gems is a blessing in itself. Yet, this time it didn’t feel as serene. I stopped, I paused, I breathed. I didn’t bother asking myself what was wrong, because I knew my mind wouldn’t be able to tell me and it would spin in countless circles taking me out of the present moment. I found myself quite bored, restless, and honestly just wishing I didn’t come.

How could this be? A place that has always felt connected to me at the core, now feels like an average place just as much as the ad’s you quickly scroll past on the internet. It didn’t feel special anymore, it didn’t feel like home anymore. Normally, when I go places my energy shifts, I shift. It’s a byproduct of being so open, or at least that is what I’ve passed it off to be.

As I began the hike back to the car, I realized something… I didn’t feel a drastic shift in who I was because I was grounded in who I truly am. I didn’t feel a deep excitement and intuitive impulse to this place, because I’m no longer running. You see, I began to piece together the understanding that many of my trips to various places, and very much so this location, I’ve always been running, chasing, the idea of something better, the idea of something bigger. I thought that I needed to be somewhere else to meet people more aligned with me, that somewhere else held the keys to my destiny, that somewhere else would provide me a safe haven and relief from whatever I was experiencing (which was actually growth knocking on my door again). I didn’t realize until this moment, how long I had been running… as funny as it sounds, since my birth actually.

I was late, the cord wrapped around my neck, they tried everything to get me out of the womb, and I simply would not budge. If anything I was moving farther away from the world, and up higher into the womb, running the opposite direction. Fortunately, (although my cynical humor and past self would like to say unfortunately), I was birthed into the world via an emergency c-section. Trauma right off the bat, cuts, bruises, etc.

I grew up running. Either trying to run closer to what I thought would protect me and keep me safe, or running away from what was supposed to protect me and keep me safe but didn’t feel met my needs. I eventually found myself running into escapism, outlets of music, dance, and writing led the way for my relief. Then, that turned into alcohol and toxic relationships. Then eventually once I kicked it all to the curb, it turned to spirituality, other realms, and the cosmo’s. I ran into the arms of the heavens and I retreated there, ungrounded, uncentered, and not really in my body. Then I ran to everything connected to that space; the books, the crystals, all the information I could get my hands on, the posts from these self-proclaimed “guru’s”, the star seed races, healing modalities, manifesting techniques, and more. Yes, this played a pivotal role in my life, my process, and my journey. However, I was still running, searching for relief, searching for a place to call home, and searching for myself. Amongst years of running, I often found myself running to other places whenever the chance or invite arose. Then when I began to enter a more spiritual space, and moved beyond some lack mindsets and fear, I began to go all the time. I started traveling more and more, rarely staying in one place for longer than a couple weeks. I kept going, even though my body was screaming stop. I was super ungrounded, and still I was searching for home, for answers, for myself.

Around December 2020, something drastically shifted in my world. My mother was hospitalized, I needed to be in one place in order to support her. In April she was stable enough for me to get on the move again, yet Saturn returned within my life, and something about this made me stay exactly where I was, exactly where I had avoided for years. It was subtle changes, shifts, and growth that occurred over the past few months that I couldn’t quite even see until standing here on this picture perfect mountain top in my supposed favorite place that I realized it. I was no longer running, I was no longer searching, I was no longer trying to find home. I realized that home has become something that arrived with the realization of my true authentic self. I stood there for a second, taking note at how much easier this hike was compared to the previous times. I stood there asking myself, “yeah, but do you really know who you are”… and the thing is I realized, all this time I was searching the world around me for the definition of who I am. While simultaneously, I was actually trying to run away from who I truly am. All this time I’ve been trying to run towards what I thought was home, who I am, what would make me feel better, give me clarity, etc. Yet, none of it did. It gave me the breadcrumbs of valuable lessons and growth I needed to take one step closer to this realization, however; it continued to lead me forward on a journey where I was still trying to pick up the pieces. It kept leading me on this never ending journey where I was truly left with mismatched pieces that didn’t make sense, exhausted, burned out, and with adrenal fatigue (funny how the body always aligns to the internal spiritual state). I was always going, searching, trying, grasping, reaching; I was always running.

But that’s the thing. We’ve learned to run away from ourselves and towards everything outside of ourselves, searching for the answers to who we are in the world around us. We have learned to run away from the growth that we have asked for because often times it’s counter intuitive to the ways in which we have been taught to move. When we take a step back, we see that sometimes life hands us directly what we want and what we desire, yet even then we run from it. We run, because we are told it can’t be that easy, we run because we are told to find things in our external world rather than internally. It takes unraveling the whole system and all conditions of our very upbringing in order to stop running. We are told that what we want is always somewhere else, and that in order to achieve it, receive it, accomplish it, we have to get moving, we have to go chasing, we have to grind, we have to go searching. We are told, if there is something within us that doesn’t feel right, that doesn’t feel aligned… then we better go find it in the world around us. We search in shopping spree's, vacations, relationship after relationship, and yet isn't it funny how we still feel that missing piece? Finding ourselves, is chalked up to the external accomplishments of climbing the ladder of life’s illusions, rather than coming home to the self that has stood here all along. You see, we search because we are trying to find ourselves, where we belong, where we “fit in”, the explanation for the pain, the hurt, the setbacks, and we search for the magical answers that instantly change everything around. However, all of that is inside of ourselves. However, we have learned to run from the very essence in which we seek. Yet, we have learned that everything exists externally to validate our internal self and being. We’ve operated backwards, and so we essentially have learned to run backwards. It’s a natural impulse and unconscious drive at this point for many of us. However, energetically now, we can no longer seek externally, which is why so many look before them for the first time in their life and do not have the awareness of what steps to take, where to go, where they are going, and there is a scrambling, a running around in chaos trying to find the answers. Yet, all we need is right under our feet.

As I made my way back down the mountain, I realized maybe I didn’t need to be here? Maybe this was not truly aligned for me anymore? Had I gotten it all wrong? I reminded myself gently that there is no right or wrong, there is only a choice. When we make that choice based on the past, it won’t get us very far. When we make that choice disconnected from our own intuition, it might seem like we are dislocated and out of alignment no matter how good it should feel when we are there. This happens all the time with materials and milestones. We get all excited that we finally got the house, or the shoes, or hit the 11K followers, etc. Then, we wonder why it feels so empty, hallow, and shallow once we are there. Have you ever experienced that? Most of us do many times in life, because we are trying to control our own route to our destiny. We think we know more than the Universe, God, or whatever it is you prescribe to. We run, we run away from the very truth that we are seeking. Because it looks different, it feels different, it doesn’t align to the vision of the ego. The ego keeps us running, searching, and small. The ego keeps us disconnected with our truth, and keeps us grasping to the external world to define who we are, what we are here to do, and to place our sense of home in a tangible location outside of ourselves.

My ego kept me running. It kept me searching. Yet, when it stopped, the running, searching, and grasping didn’t feel as great, it actually felt really terrible. So, here I was with 18 days ahead of me in the place I had so loved in the past, loathing the entire stay. I was contemplating the deeper meaning in it all. “Should I go” “what’s the lesson in this for me” “Why am I not satisfied being here” “Why do I feel absolutely terrible being here” “Am I just uncomfortable, uncomfortable is good because that is where growth is” “It’s just the moon” “I would feel this way if I were anywhere else” “I have to stick it out and endure, I already paid and can’t get my money back” …. My mind spiraled.

I took a deep breathe and reminded myself that I can enjoy my time here but that this place had no more growth for me, this was farewell. There was no more unexpected shifts and turns in this place, I knew it like the back of my hand. It felt as familiar and mundane as the place I live. There was no push out of my comfort zone any longer, this was part of my comfort zone now. This was no longer a leap for me as it had been in the past. It challenged me previously, it aligned me with certain relationships that helped me grow. Now, it was all complete. I realized that there was more out there for me, a new soul home, that was found within me. That soul home would navigate me towards growth at all costs, and away from what would stagnate me. The feeling I had pulling me away from this once magically aligned space, was the familiarity and stagnation creeping down my neck. It was time to take a bigger leap, it was time to move into a new place. Symbolically, I was where I needed to be in order to receive this message. I can’t keep going backwards trying to recreate what has already happened. Those peak moments in life are precious gems and memories that sparkle like a lake in the middle of summer. However, I can’t keep returning to them expecting them to feel as magical as they did the first time.

Energetically, at this time, we have to understand that in order to move forward, what once helped us grow and expand is now something that is keeping us small. We have learned all that we can from the lessons, places, and people that have circulated into our life much like this sacred space served me. We cannot keep clinging to the high mountains of the past seeking magic in them again and again, because eventually they won’t be so magical anymore, the climb won’t be as rewarding, and we fail to see the bigger mountains awaiting us. We can no longer remain running back to the same blissful moments in life trying to recreate them, as if there is not more and even better ahead of us. That’s what we do, we cling to these good moments, the ones that remind us of who we are, and we set the bar there, because somewhere within us we have learned that these moments, the really really good ones, are hard to come by. When we limit our experience to the best moments that have already passed, we cannot expand beyond them. Now, I want you to imagine that it can get even better, that there is even more out there for you, for me, for us. Now, we don’t feel so grasping to the fleeting bliss of the past do we? What if it gets to be easy? What if it gets to be better? Yet, in order to move forward into that space of higher mountain tops, and new growth, we have to embrace the uncertainty of moving out of our comfort zone. We have to proactively seek out the uncomfortable and make it our divine friend.

As I hiked I moved through the layers of truth and understanding awakening me to this experience. I heard a shooting loud pulse within my chest of another location. That has come through loudly over the past year, yet, it’s unknown, out of my comfort zone, and unfamiliar to me. So I settled. I settled for the place I knew, that was comfortable, that felt familiar. Sure, it is still beautiful and served it’s purpose in my life. However, there was more awaiting me, and I clung to the known like a safety blanket. Spirit asks us to expand all the time, it leaves us hints, messages, and clues within our daily life’s and through our feelings. Yet, we push them to the side, we bypass them, and we cling to the safety blanket of what’s familiar; whether that be a job, a relationship, a living space, a place, a hobby, etc. Yet, now we are lovingly pushed into a space where we are encouraged to try something new, to break away from what has been in order to align with what is and what will be. Spirituality can be defined in truth as evolution. If you are not evolving, growing, and expanding; you are stagnating. Often times we search for external factors to do the expanding work for us, like plant medicine, workshops, crystals, etc. (which are all fun tools). Yet, when it truly comes to evolving, it takes a sober look at where we feel comfortable and the courage to disrupt that space in some way ourselves.

It took me realizing I could no longer return to this space outside of me in search for my own expansion. I needed to move beyond the barriers of what was comfortable and embrace discomfort, lean into it, once again, and make it my friend. That meant realizing this chapter was closing. With that closing, a new door was opening. Where it was leading me, I was not exactly sure, but I knew it wasn’t going to be comfortable. Yet, when I had this security and grounding within my truth and the safety of the home within myself, that felt more exciting and fun than terrifying. So as we energetically walk into this space collectively, I ask you to be brave and courageous, to take an honest sober look at where you are entertaining the same thing, and calling it expansion, when really it’s comfort. How can you actively challenge yourself out of that comfort zone now? When we show up and take a leap of faith into something greater, the Universe responds times ten. Our actions hold magnetic power and our energy in that space holds a potency to expand our entire world. When we leap off the edge of certainty, and into the arms of expansion, we no longer feel stuck, stagnated, bored, or lost…. we feel exhilarated by the very growth of our own wings catching the winds of change like a sail boat. This time is about change, however; it’s also about the self recognition of what needs to change, what doors need to close, and where you are running.

So I encourage you with my own journey, to face what it is you have been running from. Take a moment to pause, to catch your breath and regain your center, would you rather run away from your destiny? Or would you rather run into your destiny? How can you sit still in the space of change, and allow it to carry you knowing you are safe? Change is not always easy, but it’s always needed and always on time. We ask for change, yet when it appears before us, we leap back into the changes of the past and bask in the comfort they offer us. Remember that you were once scared of your comfort zones now, and see the ways in which they have grown to serve you, nourish you, and love you. Your new challenges and changes are here to do that for you as well. However, you have to trust them, and you have to trust your own growth. For a minute just imagine, what your life now filled with transformation would be like, if you just had a little faith and trust?