SPIRIT SEEKING: Ending The Search and Becoming More
I’ve realized we begin reaching for all these things, all these concepts, dimension talk, healing modalities, all these practices, all the woo woo spiritual teachings and tactics trying to hunt down an understanding to the moments in our life that don’t make sense. It’s our means of trying to grasp at something as a means of having control over our experience, to alter our experience. We find “think positive thoughts” and “raise your vibration” bottled up into $500 courses, we seek methods of communication with other forces beyond our planet and realm to ease the understanding of the inevitable, that we’ll all die one day and nobody here truly knows what will happen after that- and to validate this inner awareness that we are more than just the superficial standards of society, and we read countless books soaking it all in as truth without for a second questioning it. It’s all in search of a solution, a solution to the days we just are feeling down, dark, and done with life. A understanding to the point in it all when we feel like giving up, because we think if we understand it we can avoid it, we can control it; a proactive approach to have control over the course and direction of our life.
I’ve been there. Feeling like I never really belonged so grasping at everything and anything and stumbling into the mixing pot of spiritual bullshit galore seeing it all as true, seeing it as a way to have control. Then I’d get frustrated when something didn’t go my way, something didn’t manifest, I’d end up still feeling more empty, hallow, and so alone more than I had before. Was I healing things? Eh I thought so. Was I really just motivated by being convinced I was digging my way out of the never ending pot of uncertainty that life is always going to carry, absolutely.
Recently, Spirituality looks different for me. I don’t try to think positive thoughts, I don’t try to control where I’m going, or filter the “shit” days, or try and understand them or do more “work” because I realize that life has its own rhythm - my life the timing, the moments all of it curated for me. No it’s not always what I want, but it’s gifting me all the inspiration I need to keep teaching and showing up to guide, to grow, to expand, and to connect with who I truly am. Spirituality isn’t about eliminating the muddy sticky waters of filth our world can sometimes be, it’s not even about learning to control your emotions so that they don’t spill all over. Fuck it, let them spill, let yourself make a mess, be a mess, paint this world in the red fires of your anger, and stain it with the blood of your tears. Because what you leave here is your imprint. Proof of your existence when the world carries on and you’re no longer here, proof you’re alive. So often we try to control it all, and when our ego gets “Spiritual” we try to control it all even more…. But what if you just let go, stopped searching, stopped trying, embraced what was in each moment. If that means being sad, that’s a gift you don’t experience outside of this life. If it means being heartbroken, appreciate that you have a heart to break.
I’ve truly learned spirituality and evolution isn’t found in books, crystals, retreats, “sacred” plant medicine initiations, or damn cacao circles it’s found in having no idea where you’re going, no idea what you’re doing, and not trying to have any plan or any control over it nor wanting to. Then casually, nonchalantly, and curiously allowing life to unfold. It’s found in letting go of all the ideas you had for your life, and just letting it be whatever it is. There’s a point I’ve reached where sure I have my practices and places of worship for my soul and for my sanity, but not for searching. I’ve reached a place where I realize consciously manifesting my life only gets me so far, and truly it isn’t ever far enough. I’ve seen so many things I never planned for in life spark up my eyes and send me into a divine bliss I could never describe with words, yet the concept of willing and forcing a connection for pure advancement of my own self, and the ego-never led me there. You see, I’m beginning to understand the key to life isn’t about eliminating the stress, the sadness, the depression, the anger, or the fear but embracing it, seeing how it shifts something from within us and makes us feel the need to dig our fingers deeply into life and mold ourselves into something new. Life is always creating itself over and over and yet we remain because we forget to do the same. The key to life I’ve realized isn’t in being a really good manifester or learning your human design or studying someone else’s work on life after death to regurgitate it on TikTok and have your ego thrilled when you hit 2M views, it’s truly about recreating yourself through the process of ups and downs and circles that life gifts you through the inevitable path you must journey. Trying to control the outcome only gets you so far. Trying to create the outcome, will only lead you down the same path. Trying to mimic what someone else has already lived, will only lead you into their path, but to truly uniquely evolve requires bravery, courage, and a humbleness not many have, a deep wide open surrender into whatever may appear and whatever may be without the need to question, without the need for searching, without the need to control, without the need to try and change that experience. It requires a whole lot of grace, a hell of a lot of curiosity, and a foundation of trust so grounded in your self that God couldn’t even uproot you.
Energetically, as we are in a space of being stripped from everything that is not aligned with our unique and authentic truth, we may feel a panic, a fear, an anxiety. We are programmed to reach for mechanisms of control, reaching to readings, to tools, to whatever can give us some control. When it doesn’t work, we end up frustrated, depressed, down, disappointed etc. We can then rely on force to try to push something forward. In the past, maybe that has worked. Yet, now… it isn’t. That gap, the “void”, the in-between, the pause, the discomfort, the wait that we are energetically in right now is teaching us to release, to let go of the searching, the trying, the forcing, the scattering, and overthinking. Spirituality is not logical. Spirituality and evolution requires us to surrender our control. When the ego tried to lead the Spiritual journey, it tries to control the experience, the timing, the outcome, and the result. When the soul is guiding the Spiritual journey it embraces the flow of the pathway, is at peace, grounded, and certain that wherever and however the path may unfold they are secure, safe, and trusting all their desires and more are inherently met through that process. Where we are now energetically, the superficial aspects of spirituality can no longer provide us the foundation we need to grow and evolve. We are required to find our own pathway, our truest path of connection to Spirit. If you are looking outside of you, the Universe, God, your guides, will guides you right back to yourself. We are addicted to the knowing, our minds cling to it out of comfort, search for it to know more, and be more, except the being comes from doing nothing. We become when we stop trying to control, when we allow the superficiality to fall away and get into the depths of the unknown, where we loose control, and loose our minds. So as we embark on this transition within the way we operate, and are encouraged to find the unique pathway of our own true Spirit, embrace it. Look at the challenging times as a blessing that shows you, you are prepared to grow more. Release and surrender the knowing, for you cannot grow and bloom in a space that does not have ceilings to hold the vastness of who you really are. You do not even have the conscious awareness of the expansiveness of who you are. You have to allow life to guide you there through it’s rhythm and flow and through it’s journey, and the openness of your being to allow it, you begin to see and discover the fullness of your very core, your soul, your heart, your spirit, and the purpose of it all reveals effortlessly, simply, and effectively. The journey begins to turn into a cascading river of the wisdom you are here to hold and the clarity of what to do with it all. You are carried to your place, your purpose, your self, your bliss, your passion, and everything you are truly longing for in your heart.
The difference between controlling and manifesting what you want, and allowing life to lead you is that you think you know what you want but you have yet to see what is beyond that. You see what others have and you want that too, but truly deeply within you there is always going to be something unfulfilled, until you close your eyes and jump into the space of the unknown, into the wild currents of life. When you jump into this space your other senes activate, they carry you, they speak to you, the magical essence of the worlds behind the one we can see begin to appear and call us deeper into the depths of who we are and life itself, we truly become, and most importantly, we truly begin to live. So how can you surrender the idea that you know how to accomplish what you want, where you need to go, and the need to control the process of how your journey unravels? You know what you really crave when you are reaching for control? Freedom. Isn’t it ironic how we crave freedom so deeply, and yet in that longing we cling and control? The freedom you desire is on the other side of the control, it’s found within the momentum of the winds of life that will allow you to see what is in the present moment, the opportunities, the redirections, that were all there before, but you missed being so focused on life, you, your journey needing to move in a certain way. There is no suffering, it is but an illusion, when you embrace the journey of life itself. This time is about realizing the suffering and the circumstances exist between our ears. The real answers, awareness, connection, growth, advancement, and freedom we search for is found through the ability to stop searching. The journey is the Spiritual teacher that you have been searching for. Embrace it.