Updated: Jul 1, 2019
I came to a realization lately that was harbored in my subconscious that was blocking me and affecting the way I’ve operated in life for a hot minute now. I woke up from a dream where I had relived mildly traumatic events in my life that were keeping me small. I realized I had been lacking motivation and in somewhat of a depressive state in aspects of my life. I’ll have empowering creative ideas float into my conscious self just to have my mind and ego rip them apart, devaluing my worth, my ability, and my capabilities. Leaving me with all of these beautiful ideas that I quickly squash and don’t implicate because I feel like what’s the damn point, who am I?, no one sees me, no one would listen to me, no one would acknowledge me, it’s simply not good enough.
The little girl in the picture knew better. She was fierce she went after everything she wanted without limits or doubt. It didn’t matter if I started out the worst or sloppy or messy I knew I’d be better I knew I would excel in whatever I set my mind to. I took the lead in my life, I was limitless and then I lost her. I lost her in the way I was bullied. When I bought the clothes, I spoke the language, I walked the walk, I wore the shoes, I followed the pack, and was still teased, still violated, still harassed, still not good enough. I lost her in the way I gave my all, I pushed, I was dedicated, I went above and beyond, I found new routines, I was good and I knew it, but for some reason I was stilled asked to “hide” during sections of performances, I wasn’t given creative credit, I wasn’t seen, I wasn’t acknowledged.... in fact it was the opposite.
I was conditioned to subconsciously believe the more I tried the more I cared, the more I pushed, the more I worked, the more I put in, the more I was invisible, the less I was, the more I was hurt, the more I wasn’t good enough. So I stopped. I stayed stagnant AF. I stopped trying, I stopped believing in myself, I stopped being dedicated to what I loved and found passion in, I stopped working, I stopped trying to be seen and instead, I hid. I did whatever I could to not be seen, to stay hidden, I didn’t make noise, I stayed quiet, I stopped trying to stand out, stopped being the showy, dancing, singing, silly, fierce, unstoppable girl I was in this picture and I made myself small. I put limits on myself and I let the idea that I was not good enough no matter what take the lead in my life. I believed I had to settle because I wasn’t good enough for the life I’ve wanted, the relationships I wanted, the friendships I wanted, the career I wanted, the success I wanted. I healed my worth towards my physical body and appearance through the process of being ill, but I didn’t realize that I still carried that idea through my creative pursuits, career, relationships, and hobbies. I didn’t realize how much this was blocking me in creating the life I want and the life I DESERVE.
Everything surfaces for us to heal it so life can work with us. We aren’t meant to be small, we aren’t meant to settle, we are meant to have the life, the love, the joy we all want. However, what we don’t understand is that there is no outside force against us, there isn’t luck, and life isn’t a “just is” thing. We create all of our circumstances and our reality. We often fail to note that when things aren’t going right WE are the person standing in our way, OUR beliefs are what limit us, and OUR failure to be honest and show up for ourselves is our greatest hinderance. Face yourself, heal yourself, get out of your own way. It doesn’t happen overnight it happens step by step. Something magical happens when you stop running from the things that have held you captive, your fears, your shadow. Something shifts when you can stand tall and face the traumas, the devastation, the not so happy moments that you have endured in life and rewrite the way you react and see them. You see we have the power to control of perception and our reaction to events in our life and it is never to late to rewrite the story.
There are a few ways you can indicate when you are in need of subconscious programming and when your subconscious beliefs are holding you back from what you really want in life.
1.) You make excuses for why you cannot be, do, or have whatever it is you wish. We often make excuses based out of fear, insecurity, and complacency.
2.) Beliefs that make you feel powerless or victimized. We often are conditioned around limiting beliefs that put boundaries on what we can and cannot do. We feel victimized when we are in a situation we think we do not have the power or are not in a position to create change in.
3.) Operating from a state of lack. You feel you are not qualified enough, do not have enough, we settle for less than what we desire because we think we lack what is necessary to obtain what we really want.
Okay? So how do we break the cycle?
1.) STOP listening to the negative voice in your head telling you that you CANT. In fact eliminate the word CANT from your vocabulary all together. This negative voice in our heads is often our ego, which is the condition world pleasing part of us. Let's be real, we think to overthink things. We get excited about the potential of something and then quickly shift to our inner dialogue that sounds a bit like this: "I can't have that because.., that would never happen to me, i'm not experienced enough, i'm not pretty enough, i'm not good enough, i'm not smart enough to do ...., it's just not meant to be for me... etc. etc. etc." Challenge yourself to create a new story, a new plot in which what you seek is possible. Ask yourself the why. Digging into WHY you believe this can't happen is one of the best ways to see where our reasoning and sources are greatly flawed, freeing us from these restrictions. Make a change in your thinking. Become aware of your negative thoughts and stop them when you notice them. Alter them from "i could never do that.." to "if they can do it, why couldn't i?". Changing thought patterns in the number one way to start the process of reprogramming ourselves.
2.) We often will say we desire something for ourselves, we want to accomplish something, we want to branch off into a new career, a new opportunity, a new city but we approach is from a wait and see perspective. We receive an opportunity that excites us, but then our internal negative dialogue kicks in and we decide to wait and see what happens. We begin to second guess the greatness of this opportunity and start looking for the flaws, the catch, and the reasons why it isn't good. We do not jump and we decide to wait and see. This is based on fear. Wherever there is fear there is a subconscious block. We were not brought into this world with all the fears we hold today, they were acquired and learned through our experiences, what we have been told, and our perceptions of what is "right" and "wrong". We often wait around for the perfect moment, the perfect timing, and this is a major flaw. If we wait for the moment we feel ready, we will never be ready. When what we have been calling into our life knocks on our door, answer. It isn't a trick or a game, it is the response to your asking. Evaluate the pro's and con's and if there is nothing but fear based con's on your list, JUMP.
3.) We again receive the opportunity we have been asking for, hoping for, dreaming of and we decide it is to risky to jump completely in. Thus, we decide to just "get our toes wet". We decide to test it out having one foot in and one foot out. This again is based out of FEAR. The Universe, God, whatever you prescribe to cannot and will not respond unless we do. When we hang out in the in-between, we will get exactly that. We will be stuck in lukewarm water. The law of cause and effect implies that what we put in, we get back. So when you give only a fraction of what your capable of and expect everything you want back, you are living under false pretenses and are likely to end up feeling disappointed and that the opportunity "isn't working out". Put in what you expect back.
4.) We immediately believe something is not right for us, it is not the right time, it is not the right place, it is not the right person and it is not the right opportunity if obstacles occur. We doubt ourselves, the negative self talk kicks in, and the fear creeps back up. We automatically assume we have failed, we made the wrong choice, we cannot do this, it is wrong when we are faced with challenges. REWIRE your thinking, challenges are tests that allow us to grow. They provide us with the beautiful opportunities to evolve and shift our mindset. They prepare us for the opportunity we are seeking at it's fullest potential. They set you up for automatic success when you work through them instead of darting around them or avoiding them all together. When you hit challenges you are closer to your goal. These are tests to determine if you are in your worth, if you are ready for what you are asking for. We are not meant to give up, we are resilient beings who can overcome any challenge when we refrain our mind and eliminate fear.
Start operating from love, passion, and excitement. Do not question these things, they are guiding you to what is right for you. When you operate from love instead of fear the possibilities are endless.