I took a small hiatus. I havn’t written in a while; nothing I’ve felt is real at least. I’ve been going through storms I didn’t think I’d ever see out of while trying to navigate I lost the ability to write it seemed. It was like no matter how badly I wanted to create no matter how much I wanted words to flow through me so enchantingly like they have for the past year, they wouldn’t. I searched for answers under every rock and in every corner, I tossed, I turned, and I drove myself crazy trying to understand why it seemed like this connection to typing words on a screen or mostly scribbling words onto a piece of paper simply just was a lost treasure in a big dark ocean to me now. The words aren’t the only thing that havn’t felt connected. I’ve felt like my bliss factor had been turned off, like I’ve been swimming and swimming to have the sea get darker and darker - I’ve felt a disconnect to who I’ve known myself to be and the gifts I’ve known my whole life. Everything I deemed familiar about who I was - was gone. I’ve wondered if I stumbled down the wrong road, if I got lost down a wrong turn but my internal compass has somehow led me to believe this is where I needed to go this is where I needed to be. So I trusted, regardless I trusted. I made big moves, big jumps, big changes; I took all the actions to create this life I’ve dreamed of. Opportunities seemed to tease me left and right while I’ve been on rocky footing not knowing whether to trust what seemed to unfold before my eyes or the voice of my soul telling me there’s more. However, it felt wrong to betray my soul this far along my journey. So I’ve listened. I’ve turned down opportunities that I thought of as a dream, I turned down the unfolding of events that led me to a move to the very place I’ve wanted to be for 6 plus years, I’ve said no to people who offered exactly what I’d wanted, I’ve let go of everything that I knew wasn’t right - often times leaving me in tears my mind asking why. I’ve lost souls near and dear to me that brought me security and comfort, learning that no matter how rough your first encounter is with death it never ever gets easier. Through it all, my soul knew. My soul knew there was more, my soul knew to trust, my soul knew it was evolving in ways I couldn’t see or understand. I’ve been enthralled with magic and eccentric practices since I was a child fascinated with manifestation, spells, witches, enchantment, and more but somewhere along the lines I thought that I couldn’t “grow up” and carry that with me. Theres gifts I’ve had that I’ve tried to ignore that I’ve tried to hush that I’ve kept locked inside- little by little I’ve let them surface, but in a controlled manner. I’ve let go and come out of my shell- but only to the parts or to the extreme that’s tasteful. I healed my body and I thought that was it. I thought that was the key to the other side, the solution. I was vastly wrong and I’ve come to realize that was only the beginning.
You see I’ve come to realize that my body was one part of the journey; that awakening, the blasting open of my upper chakra system was about me and my relationship to myself- but I had a hard time connecting fully to the world around me- I relied on my spiritual connection - I didn’t rely on my own instincts, my own gifts, my own self. I was being guided, my hand was being held, and just like any right of passage, there comes a time when the training wheels have to come off and you have to learn to ride without any help. This is where I’ve been. The hard hard grounding of my lower chakras seemed to shove me face down into the ground so much so I’ve felt six feet under. I fall constantly learning to wipe myself off and get back up, i’ve been learning to rely on myself without any help. What happens when you’re here? Well you cry, you spend days under covers asking yourself where the sun went, you kick, you scream, you want to tear yourself out of your skin, and then you realize you’re the only one that can help you now. You learn to use your voice, you learn to reclaim parts of you that you’ve given away to others, and you learn to hop in the driver’s seat. I’ve been learning, I’ve been growing in the most uncomfortable of ways but yet at the same time in the most magical ways. I’ve been learning to embrace my own worth, my own power, and to expose the roots of who I really am fully without conditions or selection.
The truth is I needed this darkness- I needed who I was and what I defined as me to be completely obliterated in order to get down to the core of who I really am and what I’m here to do in this life- and to OWN that regardless of outside opinions. I needed to learn that I don’t need to settle for being apart of someone else’s visions- that my visions are possible. I needed to learn to allow myself to FULLY be seen, to expose the entirety of who I am. I had this idea, as many do, that I’m not qualified for the career, the money, the relationship, the life I want until I’ve actually obtained a certain status. There’s been ideas floating around in my auric field for years and lifetimes that I haven’t acted on, passions tingling at my finger tips waiting to be brought to life, abundance waiting to find me through what I love but I was too scared to pursue this because I had this idea I wasn’t ready. I had an idea, a conditioning, that I would do it when .... I would pursue the passion, I would pursue this work I feel called to when I reached a certain amount of followers, when I moved to a certain location, after I obtained a certain amount of money, I would travel the world like my wild heart has called me to do when I unite with the partner. What this period has taught me most is that this is the biggest illusion there is to developing into who we’ve come to be. It’s shown me the illusions we subscribe to and walk around in day to day, the traps we allow to cage us and take hold of our power. This phase hasn’t been pretty and it’s felt a lot like being on a out-of-control roller coaster to hell but it has taught me something, it taught me how to reclaim myself- who I really am. It taught me that I cannot and will not hide who I am ever again. It taught me that I am worthy and deserving NOW. We all are. There is no moment in which it will be “perfect” our call is the call we hear within us - and it’s then that we need to answer - it’s then when everything else gradually falls into place. I needed to loose who I was to become who I am. I needed to have my gifts turned off to appreciate them and see them fully. I needed to loose it all to gain my power back. I needed to turn off everything I relied on in order to find my own footing. I had to find my own voice instead of constantly looking to the voice outside of me to tell me what’s right and wrong. I needed to learn to go through the mud, the filth, the dark in order to reclaim myself, my power, my gifts, my light. Its not an easy task but it’s possible.
There were times when I thought I was going crazy when I thought it would never end, when things didn’t add up, when I was exhausted, and tired but I learned to rest- not to give up and give in.
Pressure creates who we are; it is in the moments of great pressure that we show our true colors, our true nature, our evolution. It’s through the rough that we become the diamond. Whatever it is you’ve been battling, whatever it is you’ve been going through no matter how dark it is realize there’s always a light- that light isn’t coming from someone else- no one is coming to save you- no one is going to “pick” you- until you chose you; it’s YOU. The light is you, the light is in your hands, reclaim your light. You’re your savior, you’re your own god, you’re your own life vest, revive yourself. It’s in the mud, the muck, and the dirt that you find your roots and you realize it isn’t your job to be the soil- it’s your job to grow.
I realized doing and doing and doing wasn’t the way to my destiny. It wasn’t what established the massive shift in me. No, it was BEING. It was being forced to be sill, to be quiet, to be in a place where I was resting in order to find this connection with myself, in order to find love. I searched for myself in my gifts, in my abilities, in my relationships, in my connections, in my career life, my home life, and my finances. I asked myself question after question purging the depths of karmic cycles that have spun around in my life long enough. What i’ve come to realize is I was looking in all the wrong places. The answer isn’t something you find, the solution to anything, the cure all, the fix, the magic pill, the single handed thing that allows us to feel ourselves, to feel connected, is love. At first, I didn’t understand, I didn’t get it (something that came so naturally to me before). I was shown helpful reminders, people who showed me love in the most beautiful unselfish ways, who were there to show me, to clue me in, and give me a hint of the answers I was searching for, and I didn’t immediately open up and receive the help they were bringing me. I overlooked love even when it was right in from of my face. Then I learned, I began to see again, I began to tip toe one foot in front of the other until it clicked; love is the key. Once you find love and learn to love in the most obvious of places it feels as if you then have to find love in the darkest of places to truly understand, to truly love, to truly KNOW who you are. That is what I feel this phase was, a quest to find love again but in somewhere not so obvious without the hand guiding me, without the training wheels, without the loud voices telling me where to go. Instead, to return to love, in a place that looked a lot like digression, a lot like sinking, a lot like death. We are not our gifts, our abilities, our intelligence, our minds, our accomplishments, our career, our clothes, our appearance, our hair, our names; who we are, what we are actually searching for, what we are always needing, and what we need to know is love. No matter how dark it gets your basic needs will always be met, no matter how much you are in denial, you are being carried and cradled, no matter what it looks like, what is true is what is within you. When you learn to love in the most unlovable of places- you find yourself again, you return to your truth, you learn to really see, to really feel, to really BE, love.
Healing isn’t linear and once you heal one part it catapults you into the next phase of healing there is waves and tides rise and tides fall. Your job is to remain in love with yourself no matter what, to stand in love, to chose love even when it’s the last thing you want to do; to listen to the soul that’s guiding you no matter how much sense it makes to your mind. There is no right or wrong answer: there is no right or wrong way to evolve. You can choose the option that looks almost like what you want but isn’t quite it and it’ll teach you a lot along the journey to what you really desire, to what you’re really called to - or you can let go; you can let it go, stand in your worth and knowing and allow exactly what you want to find you- even in what seems like the darkest of dawns. The sun always rises and the sun always sets - as do we. Phases are a natural part of life so know when you’re really happy and in your bliss, it won’t last forever just as when you’re blinded and in the dark trying to crawl around to find your way, it won’t last forever. Things always rise and things always fall it’s the circle of life; it’s the cycle of our nature- we breathe in just to breathe out, our chests rise just to fall, we are born just to die just to be reborn; it’s all the process of life and our souls evolution. The more you deem it as wrong, the more you worry, and the more you spin yourself around asking where you went wrong the longer you’ll remain- allow, trust, be patient with yourself. We’re planted in the soil, in the dark, cold, mud to grow not to die. It’s learning to navigate in the dark so you know how to dance in the light. It’s learning to be, embody, and show love no matter where you are.